Heather Conn Blogs

spoutin’ about by the sea

Beam me up, Scotty — it’s Rapture time

I wanna know: Who’s gonna have the last laugh after tomorrow’s supposed Rapture? It sure won’t be the Vancouver Canucks. They’re playing like they’re stuck in purgatory right now, down 3-0 against San Jose after only the first period. Maybe they’re destined to flame out in hell for this . . . Skates and sticks sure won’t help them in a place that’s far too hot for ice to form. Did the team get hit with Judgement Day jitters or something?

All day today, I tried making phone calls to Vancouver, BC, and each time, I got the recorded message: “All circuits are busy. Please try again later.” The only other time I’ve ever had this happen is at Christmas. Truly bizarre. I started thinking: Gee, do people think that this is their last day on earth, so they’re jamming the phone lines to talk to their loved ones? Makes me think of those lyrics from the Manhattan Transfer song: “Operator. . .Information. . .Get me Jesus on the line.”

I’ve heard the advice for pre-Rapture prep: unplug your appliances and make sure you’re not in a plane. Sure would make the Mile-High Club a little meaningless, wouldn’t it?

I like some of the tongue-in-cheek Rapture tips that a friend sent: “Wear clean underwear” and “Keep your sunroof open to enjoy extra special effects.”

Anyone near Boston who’s still around post-Rapture can join the Left Behind Party on Sunday in Salem, Mass. What more appropriate place to celebrate Earth-bound survival than in the city that took a torch to witches?

 I can’t wait to hear what Harold Camping, the president of the Family Radio network (based in Oakland, Calif.), who predicted Saturday as Rapture Day, will say when he wakes up Sunday morning in his own home. “God forgot to wake me up.”

May 20, 2011 at 7:12 pm Comment (1)